CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: STORMY WEATHER: HURRICANE MONICA FLATTENS NATIONAL POLITICS

Not too long ago, my buddy Sondra called and demanded to know how hurricanes are named.

Personally, I would think a newlywed would have other things to think about, but I guess everyone's interested in the weather.

According to my research (which involved typing "hurricane names" into my favorite Internet search engine and hitting "enter"), the National Weather Service maintains lists of names for Atlantic/Gulf Coast storms and for Pacific storms spotted near Hawaii.

The lists are rotated every few years, and the names of any particularly destructive storms -- like Camille in 1969 or Andrew in 1992 -- are retired.

The government began naming storms in 1952, but at first used only women's names. Then in 1978, men were also allowed the distinction of having destructive forces of nature named after them.

Who needs the Equal Rights Amendment when we have the National Weather Service?

I don't know how they pick the individual names on the lists. Maybe they use the names of meteorologists' kids or ex-spouses or in-laws.

Maybe they pick names at random out of baby name books, but that would mean we'd be seeing a lot of Courtneys and Chases and Hannahs, and those aren't on the National Weather Service lists.

It would be a lot more fun if they named hurricanes after celebrities. Imagine a Hurricane Madonna, ripping up lingerie stores up and down the Atlantic Coast, then reappearing a few years later with a new image.

And there are lots of other stormy scenarios out there.

Hurricane Monica causes widespread destruction, then becomes a made-for-TV movie, bestselling memoir and frequent guest on tabloid TV before repenting on CNN and getting her own late-night show on a 24-hour religious cable network.

Hurricane Hillary somehow manages to garner nationwide sympathy while knocking philandering husbands flat.

Hurricane Bill makes a great deal of noise, waffles, apologizes and then self-destructs after mysteriously dragging hundreds of $20 bills through trailer courts.

Hurricane Kenneth calls a press conference, stirs up a lot of hot air, flattens Washington and sends official government documents flying.

Actually, Kenneth and Hilary -- only one "l" -- are both on the Pacific Coast names list for 1999.

Is that just an eerie coincidence or an omen of even stormier weather to come?

Someday -- probably not before 2000, since the GOP has the majority -- Zippergate will go away. In the meantime, we can all forecast dangerous winds, damaging hail and widespread destruction.

I'm just waiting for the "all-clear" signal.

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.