Finding Power Over an Eating Disorder: Laura Emmons

Laura Emmons did not expect her physical exam before high school to change her life. But it did. During that exam, Emmons was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder categorized by restricting one’s calorie intake to the point of malnutrition, coupled with an intense fear of gaining weight. There are two subtypes of anorexia nervosa: restricting type and binge-eating/purging type. Initially, Emmons says she fell under the restricting subtype.

The diagnosis came as a shock. Emmons says she had never been bullied for body image or previously tried to lose weight; she simply slipped into controlling food as a way to cope with life changes she experienced during middle school.

“It wasn’t until a couple years later that I realized it provided me this sense of control that nothing else ever had,” Emmons says. “When life was changing around me, or it was chaotic, controlling my food literally gave me this peace, this sense of control.”

According to the American Psychiatric Association, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric diagnosis other than opioid use disorder. Emmons calls eating disorders “substance abuse disorders in a different package,” as both serve similar functions by providing individuals with a way to cope with change or difficult emotions. Emmons says certain genetic traits like obsessiveness can cause individuals to develop eating disorders more easily than others.

Emmons says her eating disorder progressed throughout high school and changed into the binge eating/purging subset of anorexia nervosa. During her sophomore year, she experienced her first binge. To compensate for calories consumed during those binges, Emmons purged through compulsive exercise — leaving class to do squats in the bathroom or carrying laundry up and down the stairs multiple times.

“[My eating disorder] didn’t start about the body weight, but it became about the weight,” Emmons says. “I became obsessed. That became my identity. I’m the thin girl, the skinny girl, the fit girl.”

In high school, Emmons was a competitive gymnast and says she easily hid her eating disorder in her busy routine as an athlete. She loved the sport and dreamed of competing in college gymnastics one day. But in February 2013, Emmons was pulled from a gymnastics meet by the medical team; she says she was so sick she barely had enough energy to complete her tumbling passes.

In order to compete again, Emmons needed a doctor’s note, which meant she had to overcome her eating disorder, the only coping skill she knew.

“That was the end of gymnastics [for me], and I felt this loss of identity and the lowest of lows I’ve felt,” Emmons says. “That was depression, but I didn’t know that then. I just covered it up with bubbly positivity, more disordered eating behaviors.”

Although her nurse had Emmons implement family meal times and banned exercise, Emmons still found ways to secretly workout. She says it’s easy for loved ones not to notice the physical decline when they are living with someone and see them on a daily basis. During her senior year of high school, Emmons says she became “obsessed with food” and started binging everyday, her brain’s way of trying to save her body through consuming mass amounts of food.

Eventually, Emmons was able to develop a more normal relationship with food during undergraduate school. She got her bachelor’s degree in dietetics and nutrition with plans to become an eating disorders dietician. But during the summer between graduation and entering graduate school, Emmons relapsed into restricting food. Again, she was shocked. She didn’t realize she never learned healthy ways to deal with change.

“Eating disorders are such aggressive illnesses. They do not respond to logic,” Emmons says. “The brain literally changes to support the eating disorder above everything else. Above relationships. Above health. Above life, even. And happiness.”

At this point, Emmons did not want her eating disorder to control her life, but she also didn’t know how to find power over it. She credits her graduate assistantship mentor Janice Ruesler with being the first person to notice her eating disorder relapse and give her the momentum to heal.

Emmons threw herself into researching eating disorders and the psychology behind them; Ruesler checked in on Emmons every week and did blind weight checks, in which she didn’t reveal or discuss Emmons’ weight with her. Through hours of research, Emmons began to understand her brain. And by understanding her brain, she discovered a powerful tool to fight her eating disorder: neuroplasticity.

“No one told me during my recovery journey that the brain has the remarkable ability of rewiring itself, so every time I would try to change [my disordered eating] and it was really hard work and challenging, I would give up,” Emmons says. “I never learned it’s really hard at first ‘cause the brain’s not used to acting differently on these new beliefs … but over time as we start acting on these new beliefs, we strengthen them.”

This knowledge coupled with her conviction from God that she had “already won the battle” helped guide Emmons to a healthier relationship with food and exercise. She had already done the reworking of her neural pathways, she just had to believe in this truth. Emmons held onto the words of Jesus in the Bible verse Matthew 8:13 (NIV): “Let it be done just as you believed it would.”

This is when Emmons says she started to view herself “outside of her eating disorder.” Although it is still something she lives with, she says she doesn’t give the disorder the power she used to. She sets boundaries for herself. She doesn’t view food as “good” or “bad.” She doesn’t restrict certain foods from her diet. She eats intuitively. She goes on walk-jogs instead of runs, and calls this “movement,” not “exercise.”

“You have to eat to survive, which can be very challenging, ‘cause even though you’re never really recovered from an eating disorder, you just have to claim it. It’s a battle,” Emmons says. “You just have to claim it every single day and make sure you have your supports in line.”

Emmons says as a general rule, people should never comment on others’ body changes or weight, because it is impossible to know what someone is going through.

To combat a culture that promotes disordered eating, exercise and dieting, Emmons started a Facebook page where she shares food-positive graphics and motivational quotes that encourage healthy relationships with food.

In addition, Emmons is now a mental health counselor through her company Joy in the Journey LLC, and contracts out through Great Oak Counseling. She specializes in counseling individuals with diagnosed eating disorders and other self-destructive behaviors. She is also the clinical coordinator for the women’s program at the Gibson Center for Behavioral Center, where she primarily treats substance abuse disorders and also eating disorders.

One of Emmons’ favorite ways to advocate for recovery is through education. Neuroeducation remains the foundation of her counseling and treatment.

Emmons has shared her story for the extended edition of the book “Brain Over Binge” by Kathryn Hansen, which she says was instrumental in her own journey to recovery. She has also presented her research and personal story at conferences throughout the Midwest, including at the 2023 Missouri Behavioral Health Conference located in the Westin at Crown Center in Kansas City, Mo. Emmons called this a “full circle moment,” because it is the same place where she was pulled from that gymnastics competition 10 years ago.

“I just had to give up this perfectionistic persona and recognize I’m a human, I have emotions. We’re fallible by nature; mistakes are normal,” Emmons says. “And God just really healed me in that sense. And now I enjoy helping others.”