Learning about political stereotypes

Remember when we thought 2007 was some unforeseen time warp filled with flying cars and Jetson-esque abodes? When the radio DJ said they played only '70s, '80s and '90s music? A time before two big towers fell down and the world didn't seem so angry?

I suppose the latter is nothing new, though. The world seemed nicer only because I was a child, and, back in my day, children didn't know the difference between Democrats and Republicans. I'm pretty sure they do today, and unfortunately, this could lead to less candy for some.

Judging by a typical child's altruistic views of family and home they draw on paper, I'd have to say the majority of our youngsters are Democrats. Free and care-giving in nature, these children have nothing on their minds except harmony and peanut butter sandwiches. In their eyes, anything regarding hate is an abomination to childhood -- unless that hate is directed toward something like lima beans, which is perfectly understandable.

But then again, a drawing like that could also be considered Republican, because their Republican parents probably told them the most important things in life are family and unity. After all, the stick family's arms are almost always perpendicular to one another as a sign of love. This depiction of unity might tell children to be wary of who they trust. Anyone with a different shade to their skin probably comes from a sketchy background.

Maybe that's why a lot of children draw that image of life -- mom, dad, brother, sister, tree, two-story house with a chimney. (I always added a smiling sun for an extra dose of happiness.) An artistic creation like this is a safe bet. No matter a person's political views, one crayon can produce that universal sign of family, home and moderateness. In the end, this is what produces the desired "awww" effect.

I don't even want to think about the poor child who might draw the president holding hands with Bin Laden. From my stereotypical understanding of politics, if the teacher wasn't a flaming liberal, a drawing like that would probably conjure up a somewhat awkward parent-teacher conference.

Now if I, a college student, were to draw such an outlandish depiction of platonic love between Bush and Bin Laden, it'd be all right. The Republican reasoning behind this is that roughly 99 percent of college professors are zany, tarot-reading, tree-hugging hippies who would most likely use my drawing as a class discussion.

But just as I begin to feel sorry for those bullied Democrats, they come out and say something about those war-loving, gas-guzzling, Fox News-watching Republicans. What a mean thing to say! Don't listen to them, Republicans. They're probably just jealous that you all are establishing justice in Iraq while they're out protesting for PETA.

So what do I do now? Which side do I pick? Either way I choose, the outcome doesn't look so good.

Maybe that will be my resolution for 2007 -- to choose my political status. That way I can have a say in certain matters and insult the people standing in the way of what's truly right.

Sam hopes people don't take this column seriously. Contact him at sdereign@gmail.com.