NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: THE TITANIC BEANIE BABY MOVIE

That's right, it's everyone's favorite things all wrapped up into one star-studded spectacular, big budget, blockbuster summer movie.

From director James Cameron and the company that brought us the Beanie Babies with special guest stars the Spice Girls, it's the Titanic Beanie Baby Movie.

Set sail on the world's greatest ship, with the world's most annoying fad, throw in five or six songs by the Spice Girls and let's cast Jerry Springer as the captain of the ship and we're talking about a billion dollar movie.

And what could be better therapy than knowing you just took more money from people who obviously didn't deserve to have it anyway.

The movie begins with an old lady sitting in a wheel chair recalling her Beanie Baby cruise on the Titanic. The old woman is played by Ginger Spice in her first acting job since her critical acclaim in Spice World that caused her to leave the most talented British pop group since the Catatonics.

She had sailed with her fiance, played by Geraldo Rivera, who gives her a large diamond he says he found in a vault in Chicago.

Also on board are thousands of Beanie Babies who are setting sail to open up more markets abroad.

Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick also climb on board as Keanu Reeves waves from shore exclaiming, "I ain't signing on for that sequel, err, I mean cruise."

Rumors of a bomb on the ship start spreading as Kevin Costner steps on board.

As the story unfolds, Ginger Spice happens by a young artist sailing on the ship played by that Home Alone kid and he gets her to strip naked for a portrait he's making for his "friend" Michael Jackson.

Al Gore stops in for a cameo and says to Culkin "are you painting that for Michael Jordan?"

The story moves along painstakingly slow as we hear a song by Celine Dion that causes the room filled with Beanie Babies to spontaneously combust.

Then the Spice Girls take the stage as the ship unknowingly approaches an iceberg. Let's cast me as the iceberg.

Geraldo and Ginger Spice grow farther apart as Culkin works his charm.

He takes her to the front of the boat and they do that famous hood ornament thing. Just as Kathie Lee walks by and says, "Carnival Cruises does not recommend doing this on any other cruise ship."

Culkin turns to Ginger Spice and says, "My parents are getting a divorce, but when I turn 18 I get all the money left over after they've satisfied their drug habits. I get all $2,340 and change."

Just as Ginger is about to let Culkin off easy and go back to her more affluent lover Geraldo, the boat hits the iceberg (played by me).

The boat hits the iceberg (played by me, I've got the motivation required to play the role) because the captain learns his first mate (played by Bill Clinton) is sleeping with his mother's lesbian cousin from the dial-a-date pimp service that the captain was planning to make an honest girl out of by marrying her. The captain and first mate break chairs over each other's back as the ship steers into the iceberg (played by me).

Geraldo's on the first transport off the boat. Dennis Rodman, dressed as a woman, hands Geraldo an oar an they row away to safety.

The first mate is saved just seconds before his demise by a boatload of Chinese businessmen and reporters from CNN and the major broadcast networks.

The boat sinks and Culkin and Ginger are in the water surrounded by a bunch of frozen Beanie Babies, Jerry Springer, Celine Dion and the Spice Girls.

Culkin gets a call from his agent and he is told that he will never get another job in the movies because he's no longer cute and he never had talent in reserve for when his boyish good looks left him during his gawky teenage years.

Culkin says to Ginger, "live, you must live."

Just then Ginger Spice is rescued as Culkin dies the slow death of a movie star destined to make movies that go straight to video.

The movie will touch your soul and the soundtrack will ruin your faith in the music industry. The best part is that the Beanie Babies end up in their proper place at the bottom of the ocean with the likes of Tickle Me Elmo, Cabbage Patch dolls, parachute pants and Michael Jackson's glittery glove.

If you only see one movie all year, go see the Titanic Beanie Baby Movie, not playing at a theater near you.

Just think of the marketing. The saltwater soaked Beanie Babies with the sound card that makes the gurgling sound of a drowning fad will sell faster than copy of Hustler at summer camp.