Parenting after a divorce: Co-parenting strategies that work

Going through a divorce is a highly stressful time for the whole family, and children are among the most vulnerable. When parents don't get along and decide to split up, they are generally ready to move on and start a new life. Children, however, still care deeply for both parents and now have to adapt to two different households and are faced with splitting their time between mom and dad.

Every so often in family counseling, I run across a family where mom and dad have separated and still seem to have a mostly amicable relationship. They attend parent-teacher conferences together, communicate openly about their children's needs and make every effort to remain consistent in terms of expectations and consequences for their children. And their children are the biggest beneficiaries.

So if your family is going through a divorce or has in the past, I have a few tips to make the adjustment as easy as possible on the kiddos. For starters, remember that successful co-parenting is possible, but it is rarely easy. Parents who pull it off have to be 100 percent committed to their children's well-being and willing to put their own emotional baggage from the divorce behind them. Both parents have to be mature enough to put their children's needs ahead of their own at all times. So if you're serious about supporting your children through a divorce as smoothly as possible, here are some tips to get started:

Shannon Anderson

__Children are No. 1.__ Your relationship with your ex needs to take on a new perspective following the divorce. Start by viewing your relationship with your ex in terms of a team member who is helping to raise your children to be healthy, functioning adults someday. Effective co-parenting always puts your children's needs ahead of your own. And your children's No. 1 need is a strong, supportive relationship with both parents.

__Never put your children in the middle.__ While your emotional pain following a divorce may take years to go away completely, remember to never share these feelings with your children. They still love mom and dad, not one or the other. Share your feelings of anger and hurt with your personal support system -- not your children. Keep all conversations about your ex positive and upbeat, never criticize or ridicule in front of the children, and don't use kids as messengers if you and your ex can't talk without arguing. Text or email are options if you absolutely can't talk without World War III breaking out!

__Consistency is vital.__ Some of the best co-parenting examples involve households that maintain consistent rules and expectations between each home. While it won't be possible to agree 100 percent of the time, having a core set of expectations and consequences between both households will help reduce stress and confusion for your children. Have a basic agreement with your ex in terms of homework expectations, basic household rules, chores and a set of consequences for not following the rules. This will help reduce unnecessary differences between homes and will help provide a sense of security for your children. It also helps to keep schedules as similar as possible. Things like meal times, homework time and bedtime are generally easy to keep consistent and will go a long way to strengthen feelings of security for your children.

The main thing to remember with successful co-parenting is to put your feelings aside and focus on your children's needs first. Successful co-parenting is not easy, and it definitely won't go smoothly all the time. But if you and your ex stay 100 percent focused on your children and not your own emotional baggage, you'll be taking a big step toward providing the supportive, secure environment your children need to continue to thrive after the divorce.

Give these strategies a try and please share them with friends or loved ones who may also be going through a divorce. And remember, while you may be 100 percent committed to these strategies, there are situations where one parent may not share the same vision. In these situations, the help of a trained professional may be needed. Family counseling can help parents work together in a nonjudgmental environment and offer a neutral third party for children to safely share feelings they may not want to share with mom or dad.

I welcome any questions or feedback related to this article. I would also love to hear any other suggestions regarding future topics for a Flourish issue. Just email these to shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com!

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Shannon Anderson is a licensed professional counselor and a national certified counselor and owner and clinical director of Tender Hearts Child Therapy Center in Cape Girardeau.