Hello. My name is David and I listen to Dr. Laura on AM radio.

Not only do I listen to her radio show, I'm beginning to analyze my personal relationships as if I were describing them to the owner of that common sense-laden silk voice.

"Well I've met a woman, and I'm a little concerned because I've had terrible luck with women in the past and somehow I've always managed to mess things up and I think I have the White-Knight syndrome and she could be a Damsel-in-Distress. What am I going to do?" I stammer in my imaginary conversation.

The really scary part is when I imagine what Dr. Laura's reply might be. She would laugh at me with that laugh that says, "You really aren't very bright."

Dr. Laura would certainly tell me some words of wisdom that would make perfect sense -- and I would of course ignore them.

I am a fool when it comes to love. Or maybe I'm an eternal optimist. Whichever, it isn't good.

Dr. Laura is no fool. I don't know if she's an optimist. I don't know if you can be an optimist and a realist. So whatever her advice I'm sure it would conflict with my natural propensity to believe that no matter what the circumstance everything is going to work out just fine.

I like going into a relationship with my smile wide and my eyes closed.

I'm intimidated by Dr. Laura's cutting intelligence, her ability to see through my veneer of foolish hopes and unrealistic expectations. If confronted by the jagged granite of Dr. Laura's insight my feeble reasoning would dissipate like a warm fog against a boulder.

Sometimes when I'm around a woman I get so concerned with my rationale, with the reality of the situation -- with Dr. Laura's chastising voice -- I can't come up with anything witty to say.

There is nothing worse than when you are trying to be clever and the best you can come up with is pathetic in a cute way.

I am just wondering how Dr. Laura, who is a mother, was ever charmed by her husband. Mr. Laura must be some kind of man. He must be strong and steady in a Ward Cleaver way and as dashing and romantic as Sean Connery. He must have unshakeable convictions and -- unlike most other men -- be nearly always right. He must be -- well you get the picture.

As much as I'd like to be like Mr. Laura, or at least have the common sense of Dr. Laura -- no, I take that back; I don't want either of those things.

I'll sacrifice common sense for the chance that I might be right just one time. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. I enjoy certain personality traits in women. OK, so those traits are usually destructive to my piece of mind. What are you gonna do?

Maybe, as Dr. Laura would certainly point out, my reluctance to act on my foibles and disregard those attractions that are destructive or pointless just shows that I am not serious about settling down. Maybe Dr. Laura would say that shows a lack of maturity on my part.

I've got to say I agree. But I just know the next one, regardless of her baggage, is the right one. I just know it.

David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.