A cat tries to figure out what just happened on TV

(This week's column was dictated by Missy Kitty, who is plenty smart but can't type worth a whit.)

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what makes humans tick. Take my humans, for example. They're smart enough to keep my food bowl full with ample sides of no-fat milk. But why would they spend hours and hours watching something called a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing that went on and on and on?

We cats are fairly patient creatures, but I can tell you that the repetition of these televised hearings, not to mention the talking-head babble, could have serious consequences on the nation's mental health. Beware.

This is the takeaway of one opinionated feline: Whoever has the majority can make the rules and, in the end, will win. The point being: The political process that kept my humans glued to the TV for days was so predictable that the whole thing could have been wrapped up in less time that it takes me to wipe out a hefty bowl of Science Diet active-lifestyle dry cat food.

I became concerned about one of my humans, the so-called alpha male, during this recent televised circus. He has started taking daily walks around the neighborhood now that the weather has moderated a bit. But you have to wonder: Is anyone who invests so much time in such TV viewing safe to roam at large?

This is why I've made it my mission to tag along on these walks. Who knows where a human awash in televised Senate Judiciary Committee hearings is likely to wind up? At least we cats can find our way home.

Let me tell you, I take my task seriously, but it isn't easy. A cat, after all, has really short legs -- not at all like my walking human's long, long, long legs. Thank goodness his walking route includes a couple of double-backs, which are as predictable as a sunrise. This means I can wait patiently on the trail while my human ambles to and fro.

So far, the walks are tolerable. I think they will be even better when the temperatures cool off even more, like they were forecast to do this week. I can't tell you what the optimum temperature might be. Cats don't do numbers.

And because cats aren't into math I can't tell you, exactly, how many hours my humans wasted -- yes, wasted -- watching all that hoopla on TV. They could have been doing so many productive tasks, like cutting up grilled chicken into itty-bitty cat-sized bites.

But I'm drifting off point, aren't I?

Just let me say this: I'm not sure what a Supreme Court is. And, because I'm a cat, I don't really care. A furry creature like me already has more legislated rights than most of the Third World. Do you know the penalty for inhumane treatment of a cute kitty? But I daresay most patriotic humans think the Supreme Court is so vital to safeguarding the American way of life that they could argue watching TV for a hundred hours is time well spent.

I don't know what the future holds. Cats aren't, after all, fortunetellers. But I hope that what has transpired in recent days will wake up every red-blooded American, regardless of political orientation. A fired-up citizenry can be the cauldron for melting ideas into action. (I'll bet you didn't thing a cat would ever use a word like "cauldron." But there it is.)

Will this passion turn into new flames for liberty and freedom, or will it be just another bonfire for roasting marshmallows?

We'll see. Got to run. My human is off on another one of his walks. Come on, legs. Keep up.

Missy Kitty is an opinionated cat that pretty much rules the Sullivan household. Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.