Oscars 2003

Watch them March 23, 7:30 P.M. on ABC

OFF! determines the odds in the office pool by asking its all-knowing 8-Ball who will win, who will lose, and why Oscar looks so ripped...

Best Picture

Chicago wins (IT IS CERTAIN), The Pianist might do it (OUTLOOK GOOD), but OFF!'s favorite, The Lord Of The Rings has a snowball's chance (DON'T COUNT ON IT).

Best Actress

Toss-up between Julianne Moore (IT IS DECIDEDLY SO), and Salma Hayek (YOU MAY RELY ON IT).

Best Actor

Jack Nicholson wins (MOST LIKELY).

And Also...

Will Lara Flynn Boyle gain a few pounds and stop dressing like a lawn ornament? (VERY DOUBTFUL)

Will the awards be marred by a lot of self-righteous celebrities making speeches about how they feel about war/peace/religion, as if we cared? (SIGNS POINT TO YES)

Will host Steve Martin french nominee and co-star Queen Latifah, on camera, anyway...(OUTLOOK GOOD).

Will we ever see Ben Afflek making an Oscar acceptance speech? (OF COURSE NOT- J. LO WOULD MAKE IT FOR HIM)

Will OFF! stop caring four hours into the show and just go to bed? (YOU MAY RELY ON IT)

Do you have some questions to ask the Off! The Wall 8-Ball? If so, email them to gdowdy@semissourian.com or gyoast@semissourian.com.