Fish lose out in '04 election

With Halloween fast approaching, I guess it shouldn't be surprising that we're hearing horror stories about the upcoming presidential election.

These horror stories include a tie vote in the Electoral College, a terrorist attack on Election Day and a disputed outcome in a crucial state. Not even tales about Martha Stewart in jail are this scary.

If this keeps up, our children will quit dressing up as ghouls and goblins and start dressing up as punchcard ballots or disenfranchised voters.

It's enough to frighten even the most hardened civics teacher.

It used to be we could count on the election being over at the close of Election Day. In today's crisis-conscious society, election day may be more like one, long television series that would make the characters in television's "Desperate Housewives" seem calm and collected.

Perhaps we should move our presidential election to Halloween. Then we wouldn't have to watch all those television-movie, horror-show reruns. Watching the election returns roll in would be scary enough. Throw in some screwy exit polling and there would be some real drama.

Presidential elections may be something to scream about these days. But it's not nearly as scary when it involves my wife's third-grade Girl Scout troop.

Joni recently decided to teach our youngest daughter, Bailey, and the other Scouts in the troop about voting.

There were no presidential debates and no hanging chads. But there were political signs for their favorite pets.

The girls were given their own make-believe voter registration cards that would have made even the most jaded Chicago voter precinct captain happy.

The Girl Scouts even jumped at the chance to make speeches in behalf of their pet candidates. Democracy has never looked so cute.

In the end, the election was close. The girls cast their votes for their favorite pets, depositing their paper ballots in a red, white and blue Kleenex box. If that's not patriotic, I don't know what is.

Dogs beat out cats by a single vote. Fish ended up a distant third.

"The fish people didn't even vote for the fish," Joni said.

In Florida, there would have been a recount. But thankfully Missourians so far have avoided such antics.

"We had 100 percent turnout," Joni proudly noted.

Of course, it's far easier to get third-graders to vote for their favorite pets than to get the average American to walk into a polling place on Election Day.

In the end, the 20 girls at the pet election paraded around the elementary school gym.

Joni said she encouraged the Girl Scouts to rally around the dog candidate, even those girls who didn't vote for the dog.

"That's how it's supposed to work," she told me.

Bush and Kerry might want to take a refresher course.

Of course, it probably would only underscore just how close this November election will be.

As for the fish, Ralph Nader can relate. Even his supporters would be hard pressed to keep from voting for the dog or the cat.

Americans prefer the two-party system. Fish just get in the way.

Debate or no debate, Joni's Scout troop understands that point.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.