5 tips for parenting an argumentative, defiant child

Parenting an argumentative child can be very demanding and stressful. It often leads a parent to ask, "Why won't you just listen to me?" Arguing and defiance comes in varying levels. From the minor arguing that isn't much more than an inconvenience to the child who could, or does, meet criteria for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Let's look at some simple tips you can try to make things go a little smoother.

Few parents I work with are more exhausted or more hopeless than those trying to parent a defiant child. Sometimes it feels like your kid is just arguing for the sake of arguing ... or to make you miserable. But I can assure you that's not the case. They are just as uncomfortable in the relationship as you are. Using these tips will help make things better for the whole family.

Tip No. 1: Focus on the positive.

The No. 1 thing to remember when parenting an argumentative, defiant child is this -- always focus on the positive. I've mentioned this in past columns but this is the first rule when dealing with an argumentative child. Defiant kids have usually been punished with every type of punishment possible. Time outs, grounding, loss of privileges, you name it. But even with these strategies, the arguing continues.

The main thing to remember with defiance is to change the dynamics of the relationship. By starting to praise the positive versus punish the negative, you can change the whole relationship from strained to happy and positive. If your child argues often, start praising him for listening instead of punishing him every time he argues. You'd be amazed at how quick things turn around in your relationship with this simple mindset shift.

Tip No. 2: Use praise effectively.

Using praise effectively works in combination with your positive focus. When you're focusing on the positive behaviors, you need a way to effectively point out your child's successes and progress. And something that works great for this is "labeled praise."

Labeled praise is a form of praise that is specific, direct and defines exactly the positive behavior you're acknowledging. The opposite of this would be more general praise. Check out the following examples:

General praise:

1) "Good job!"

2) "Great work!"

Labeled praise:

1) "You did a great job of picking up your toys the first time I asked."

2) "That was great how you worked with your sister to take turns riding the bike."

The latter, labeled praise, works great to teach your child the exact behaviors you want him or her to engage in, as opposed to general praise, which does not give specifics. This will build on the positive focus and really highlight the exact behaviors you're aiming for. By doing this, you're teaching your child what it takes to please you and how to keep the praise coming.

Tip No. 3: Parenting is about teaching, not punishing!

It's easy to get frustrated with an argumentative child. There's a great deal of resentment and animosity from both directions. You start viewing your child as a defiant brat who won't listen to anything, and he views you as a mean parent who is breathing down his neck for everything he does. Remember, no matter how frustrated you get, the primary goal of parenting is to teach your child the positive behaviors you want him to engage in, not to unleash a constant stream of punishment for making poor choices. Spend more time trying to teach him what you want and less time trying to find the punishment that will finally be severe enough that he starts listening.

Tip No. 4: Avoid power struggles.

Argumentative and defiant children obviously struggle with authority. So avoid setting up situations that pit you against them in a "battle of wills." You'll either stick with it long enough to "win" or you'll eventually give in after a 45-minute argument and your child will "win." But, in reality, no one wins. The only way to truly win is to avoid the conflict situation to begin with. So how can you do this? Tip No. 5 is a great way to start.

Tip No. 5: Offer choices.

Offer your child choices any time you're able to. This serves two purposes. First, you get to choose the two options, so both should be options you're OK with. Second, it gives your child the feeling that he has a say so, which reduces his desire to argue with you. Let's look at an example. You want your child to pick up his room before dinner. You can try the direct approach like "pick up these toys right now!" This will most likely end in a power struggle that neither of you will truly win. Instead, try something like, "You can pick up your toys and then come to eat or you can eat first and then do it before you start playing your video game, which would you like to do?"

If you use these five tips consistently, you'll be well on your way to reducing defiance and improving your relationship with your child at the same time.

As always, I welcome any questions or feedback. Just email me at shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com.