When our world is coming apart

By Ellen Shuck

Have you sometimes felt like what you did made no difference? Perhaps you are feeling your world is falling apart? You have no control. When you're on a roller-coaster ride or another carnival experience, it's fun. However, when we're that out of control of our lives it's another story.

We can seem out of control in both minor and major ways. Minor ways can be when we overstuff ourselves with food, lose our temper at inappropriate times, or procrastinate too much. Those types of losses will soon usually disappear.

Our team may lose a basketball game, but we're playing a difficult team, so we're not surprised. A grandparent may die after they've suffered and became weaker every day. We're saddened but we know they are better off. Those are the types of losses we can adjust to because we're prepared. The results aren't surprising to us.

Yet when a young person dies, without notice, or we sustain a disabling physical injury that keeps us from performing as we have, or lose all our possessions, we can crumble. The major losses take longer from which to recuperate. Other such losses can be that of relationship, as in a divorce. Any major loss goes beyond merely the loss. You feel a loss of your identity, who you are. You have trouble surviving because you don't recognize yourself. You can't regain your sense of personhood.

If you believe in a higher power, as I do, you can wonder if God has forgotten you and does He really care anyway.

Working through any difficult loss begins with building yourself up. First, you must name your feelings. Think about what, concerning the loss, is causing you to feel so hopeless, stupid and, most of all, afraid. For example, a man gets dumped by his girlfriend of two and a half years. He has always been honorable and respectful to her. She leaves him for a friend of his. He can name his feelings such as "I feel sad" and "I feel angry," but those are only surface emotions. Underneath those feelings are, "I feel stupid, ugly, used and I don't know what to do to repair my life. I feel powerless. I just want my life to be the way it used to be. I'm lonely, rejected and lost." You may feel weak by naming those feelings, but what you are is, wounded, not weak.

Also, we need to forgive for our own sakes instead of seeking revenge. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Actions, on the other hand, are right or wrong. Be sure to talk with someone who is positive, will listen to you without judgment and keep what you say confidential.

After one can finally put his feelings into words and claim them, the act can be very liberating. This is because we eventually begin to realize that we've met the enemy and survived. I don't mean the enemy out there, but the one "within yourself." If we refuse to name and claim our negative feelings, they can become unknown predators that can turn into active demons.

After we've searched inside ourselves for specific bad feelings, it's time that we begin to rebuild. Refrain from harboring regret about things you can't remedy. Look for the lessons contained within experience. Don't keep blaming yourself. Don't continue to think you could have done it better. We probably weren't the cause of the divorce, the accident or the life change caused by children leaving home.

Know that pain is never permanent. Instead when we think our lives are falling apart; remember it's like the death of Good Friday. "Easter" always comes. The paschal mystery of "dying and rising to new life, with a new role and renewed identity" is lived out constantly. God will help you rebuild yourself when He feels YOU are ready.