BUCKING THE SYSTEM: MISSING NEWSPAPER LEADS TO ENJOYABLE SUNRISE ALONE

It only took six words to explain the situation.

"We haven't been getting our newspaper."

My husband, Patrick, dropped this bomb as I was in the midst of dinner preparations one day last week. He knew it was new information for me, since my internal alarm clock doesn't give me enough time to enjoy the luxury of reading a newspaper before my mad dash to two day-care centers and then to work each morning.

But although he had clearly outlined the situation, we still didn't know the source of the problem. Was it a carrier who was not on his job? A neighbor gone bad? Or, was our newspaper being "borrowed" by an early-morning fitness buff?

My first instinct was to suspect neighbors and passersby, as they had been the cause of many a missing Sunday newspaper during my days as a renter in other parts of the city. But pedestrian traffic is minimal where I live, and most of my neighbors are senior citizens who have their own subscriptions.

Now, I don't fancy myself as discerning as Encyclopedia Brown, nor as adventurous as the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew, nor even as lucky as the Clue Club dogs. But I am smart enough to recognize a good mystery when I see one, and this was the real thing.

So began the case of the newspaper napper.

Once I decided to become an amateur supersleuth, I decided the first thing I needed to do was make sure the problem wasn't coming from the business end of things. I contacted a friend in the circulation department. Although she didn't know where the problem originated, Regina duly noted my problems and promised to help me as much as she could.

While Regina made inquiries on her end, I decided to stake out my front yard. By concentrating mightily just before going to sleep each night, I was able to reprogram that internal clock to get me up earlier each day.

I still can't believe that worked.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up at 6 a.m. Tuesday to hear a chorus of chirping birds and the occasional rumble of a passing tractor-trailer. After checking my watch to see exactly how early it was, I jumped out of bed, felt around for my glasses (it was entirely too early to think about contacts) and sneaked onto the front porch.

There I hid behind a couple of untamed bushes while I waited for the newspaper to be delivered. I probably sat there for 20 minutes before I thought to look into my mother-in-law's yard to see if her newspaper had been delivered.

It had.

After walking in bare feet across our gravel driveway to place her paper on her steps (what a good daughter-in-law I am!) I ran inside to report the missing paper to Regina. It was a routine that followed for the next two days, even though I progressed to the point where I could manage contacts at 5:15 in the morning.

Although I still don't know whether the absence of my newspaper should be attributed to a miss or a theft, I learned a valuable lesson this week: Spring sunrises on South Sprigg can be enjoyable experiences, especially when you're able to experience them alone.

In fact, with the chirping birds and the quiet whoosh of traffic, I've been able to stretch stiff limbs, organize my day and even plan what I'll cook for dinner.

A part of me hopes this is one mystery that remains unsolved. Of course, it's not the part that has to wash dishes every night.

Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.