BUCKING THE SYSTEM: SINGING PRAISE FOR CHARLESTON'S WEDDING OF THE YEAR

The wedding of the year is happening in Charleston today.

Felecia, my play-sister-sorta-like-a-cousin-girlfriend, and her beau, Kelvin, are finally tying their loveknot, and it looks like it's going to play out like the season finale of a television drama.

I mean, this thing is big. Huge, even.

For example, look at where she's holding the ceremony. Although church-renting is common in Cape Girardeau, it happens only rarely in my hometown, and especially when you have a church home. And how many people do you know who have a baker's dozen of bridal attendants, plus a whole entourage of children in various roles?

Probably only Princess Di's wedding will have attracted more spectators than I expect will be watching at this one. That's because the size of the wedding, coupled with Fe's physical attractiveness and Kelvin's career as a professional athlete, has caused some people to think Fe is being pretentious or grandiose.

I've heard comments that sound much like the whispers and shouts that followed Fe most of her youth. The words are no less hurtful just because she's out of high school.

"Who does she think she is? She thinks she's cute."

Truth be told, she is cute, but that isn't why her wedding is so big. What's really going on is Fe doesn't want to hurt the feelings of anyone that she loves by leaving them out or saying no to their ideas, so she included everybody.

I'm sure that's why I'm pulling double-duty in the ceremony as a singer and bridal attendant. It's not that Fe had a burning desire for me to bless their wedding with my voice -- it's just been our family tradition so far is that I sing at the weddings. And as an official play-sister-sorta-like-a-cousin-girlfriend, of course she would want me to be a bridal attendant.

And although I would have been OK with not pulling one of these jobs (because that's the way real friends handle those situations), I'm also willing to do whatever it takes to make her day special.

And so, I'm all set to put on my suit and step out there like the best of crooners and sing my love ballad, then race to the back of the church, where I'll hurriedly put my hamhock arms and Rubenesque body into that straight, spaghetti-strapped bridesmaid gown and shove my 12-wides into those paper-thin dyables with the three-inch heels that were not made for standing any length of time.

And I will walk down that aisle with my head high, shoulders back, abs in and back straight to my assigned position, where I'll discretely wipe away sweat and pray the support in my foundation -- some folks call it a girdle -- holds up through the service.

I'll do all this because Fe and I are sisters, even though we're no blood relation, and I think she's beautiful and smart and sassy and funny and loving, and I know she'll make a wonderful bride.

I just hope that Kelvin knows what a prize he's getting, because we play-sister-sorta-like-cousins are ready and willing to snatch him up if he doesn't. I also hope that the two of them pray together and take their vows seriously, because they'll need it if they are to survive the scrutiny they'll receive even after the wedding of the year ends.

But like all good dramas, the season finale is just a teaser. The best is yet to come.

Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.