LETTERS FROM HOME: SCIENCE OF KEEPING THINGS TOGETHER IN HOUSE THAT'S FALLING APART

Jan. 13, 2000

Dear Leslie,

Chaos theory has usurped the second law of thermodynamics as the guiding principle at our house as the new year begins.

We were just getting comfortable with the second law and the idea that everything in the universe tends in the direction of falling apart. Our house was scientific proof. But in the new millennium, chaos theory seems to be asserting itself.

Not that the world is any easier to understand in terms of mathematical constructs. But somehow it's comforting to know that things can be expected to go haywire.

Chaos theory usually is explained through the Butterfly Effect, which supposes that the flapping of a single butterfly's wings can cause a slight change in the atmosphere that, over time, could result in a storm or just as easily create conditions that prevent a storm from occurring.

The phenomenon was well-known in forklore before it became a scientific theory.

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost;

For want of a shoe, the horse was lost;

For want of a horse, the rider was lost;

For want of a rider, the battle was lost;

For want of a battle, the kindom was lost.

Here's how chaos theory works at our house: A windstorm blew a big limb into our chimney; bricks from the chimney fell onto the tile roof, breaking some of the tiles; rain flowed through the broken tiles into the ceiling of our front bedroom and eventually into the living room ceiling; some of the same rain seeped into the coal bin at the front of our basement and created a flood; the drain doesn't work because the house is old and the sewer line has collapsed.

Our domestic chaos theory has sub-tenets that keep it operating smoothly:

* Roofers never return phone calls.

* People who repair chimneys return phone calls when they feel like it.

* Just because you love your old house doesn't mean your insurer does.

DC and I have different attitudes toward this reality. As the practical force in our marriage, she would have a drawer full of nails so the shoe would not imperil the kingdom. I have ridden some shoeless horses in my days.

Hank and Lucy, of course, are pantingly oblivious to the effects of chaos theory if not to chaos. To think of them chasing a squirrel that drops a nut that grows into a tree that causes a monsoon in China seems in line with the natural order.

At this moment we are trying to create a positive flow of chaos, but coaxing nature is expensive.

A man trimmed the tree so another limb can't fall on the chimney. One hundred and seventy five dollars, please.

Roto Rooter told us the basement drain can't be fixed. Fifty dollars, please.

Insurance will pay for the water damage inside the house but not for the chimney or the roof. But we can't fix the interior damage until the exterior is repaired and made rain-proof again.

The chimney guy just phoned in his estimate. He says the bricks are too old for tuck-pointing so he'll have to rebuild the chimney completely. Twenty-five hundred dollars, please.

We'd pay anything to hear from a roofer.

Love, Sam