BUCKING THE SYSTEM: TERRIBLE 2s TRIGGER TRANSIENT THOUGHTS OF TRADE-IN

Jerry Buck turns 2 next week, and between the selective hearing he's developed recently and the horrified cries of "No potty, Mommy!", I'm finding myself thinking trade-in more and more often.

Next Wednesday my baby boy hits another milestone, but he's already demonstrating all the symptoms ... I mean, characteristics, of his soon-to-be age.

In two simple sentences -- He will be 2 years old. He is terrible.

I love Jerry, really I do, but I'm beginning to think if I see the frown that goes with the stubborn stance that accompanies the phrase "No potty Mommy" one more time, I'm going to have to trade him in for a newer and more agreeable model.

I'd heard of the Terrible 2's but never really experienced them before. Remember, I'm the eldest of two daughters, and we just didn't interact with babies while we were growing up. I guess the idea was if we didn't have any experience with them we wouldn't be in such a hurry to have any.

Actually, I think the opposite is more true. Any teen-ager considering having a child because they think it's the thing to do should be made to spend a weekend -- especially a weekend when there's something big going on that they really want to attend -- running around the house with potty seat in hand trying to catch a naked child with getaway on his mind.

Now, don't get me wrong, life's not all bad. Jerry still has a sweet disposition and is a friendly, out-going child. He does a lot of cute things that I really enjoy, like when he sticks his head out the window and tells the birds to "com'ere," or when he sings and does the actions on cue to "If You're Happy and You Know It," or when he falls asleep clutching the box of his Elmopalooza videotape in his little hands.

But then there are the other times. Like when he spies a freshly-folded basket of laundry and proceeds to dump it all on the floor so he can climb in and drive. Or when, on those mornings Mommy is already late for work, he dumps (insert favorite messy breakfast food here) all over the outfit it took me forever to coordinate and iron.

Or try any of the days when he absolutely refuses to be potty trained and intentionally withholds bodily functions until after he gets up off the potty.

Those are my trade-in days, the periods of time when I wonder what folks would give me for a slightly-used child. But you know, I find that those moments always give way to happier thoughts when he does something just darling that puts him back in my good graces.

In fact, Jerry Buck is an exact replica of Patrick and me. He's got Patrick's quirky personality and, God help him, my moody attitude. All that basically means is when he's good he's very, very good, but when he's bad, he's horrid.

I think that also means he's going to be a Terrible 2 for much longer than a year.

I'd better get to work on that ad.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.