MARK MY WORD: PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION GOES COMMERCIAL

If George Washington were president today, the inaugural committee would be hawking memorial axes and cherry trees.

So you can't make Bill's big bash? Don't worry.

Thanks to the inaugural committee, you can grab up plenty of souvenirs without going to Washington for Monday's second-term inauguration of President Bill Clinton.

Souvenirs are being hawked on a cable home shopping channel. You can pick up everything from the presidential coffee mug to the inaugural sweatshirt. The sweatshirt carries the names of all 42 presidents. That way you don't have to memorize the list for your civics class. It's better than a cheat sheet.

For those who are counting, this will be the 53rd presidential inauguration, and clearly the most commercial.

QVC is offering the official 1997 gold inaugural medallion for only $695. You can pick up an inaugural plate for $48. You can eat off the plate, but you can't use it in the microwave. That means most folks won't be serving dinner on it. Presumably, Socks, the White House cat, hasn't licked it.

For $24, you can buy the inaugural tote bag to hold all of your other souvenirs.

You can make out the checks to the inaugural committee with your official 1997 presidential pen, featuring Bill's signature.

For the rest of us, there's the $9 set of inaugural buttons, including one depicting the famous cat and the message, "In Socks We Trust."

All this stuff is great, but why not include other souvenirs such as commemorative McDonald's fries in honor of Bill's favorite food?

The inaugural Whitewater paper shredder would have been a big hit too.

It's a shame our nation's other presidents didn't think more about souvenirs for their inaugurations.

George Washington ranks high on everyone's list of great presidents. But he missed the boat when it came to souvenirs. If he were president today, the inaugural committee would be hawking memorial axes and cherry trees.

Abraham Lincoln gave the best two-minute speech in history at Gettysburg. But he could have really left his place in history by selling souvenir stovepipe hats at his inauguration.

Teddy Roosevelt could have cornered the market on inaugural teddy bears. Richard Nixon could have made a fortune selling inaugural copies of the Watergate tapes.

Organizers of this year's inauguration say it should come off without a hitch. Although if rehearsal is any judge, it won't be with the president.

C-SPAN is so serious about covering events on Capitol Hill that it even aired the inauguration rehearsal. It was difficult to tell it from the real thing, except that the military stand-ins for Clinton and Gore had really short hair and wore large signs around their neck. One said "president" and the other said "vice president." The stand-in wives wore signs that said "president's spouse" and "vice president's spouse." No, the inaugural committee isn't selling the signs, at least, not yet.

But I have to admit I like the signs. It might be less confusing to the general public if Clinton and Gore would wear these signs Monday, or at least don those inaugural sweatshirts.

The mock inauguration last Sunday was so frigid that the Marine Band couldn't play. The instruments were frozen, which made for a very quiet ceremony.

When it comes to inaugurations, no one will be left out in the cold when you can get the real souvenirs on a home shopping channel.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.