LETTERS FROM HOME: THE BRAVE NEW WORLD ACCORDING TOP CARLA

May 16, 1996

Dear Leslie,

Think like a dog.

That, essentially, is what DC and I must learn to do if we are to gain control of Hank and Lucy, the Hounds of Lorimier Street.

So says Carla, the trainer we hired to diagnose our dog-eared home life and prescribe a solution.

I know, I know. Now people not only have personal trainers, they have personal dog trainers. What is to become of us?

It was a necessary step. The dogs have taken over, you see. It was a bloodless coup d'etat. We gave them the house, the yard, our bed, they gave us affection and almost daily surprises in this or that corner of the house.

But it's amazing how quickly Hank and Lucy became Lassies when someone showed up who treated them like dogs. Which is to say, Carla demanded they obey her, and gave them treats or affection only when they did so.

We never thought of that. We treated them more like hairy little humans we just can't seem to reason with.

Carla looked at the gnawed stairs and chewed-on cabinets, and she watched Lucy take a two-legged stroll along the counter hoping to scoop off a stray crumb or container of cottage cheese while Hank nibbled a "toy" shoe.

"You have your work cut out for you," she said.

Unlike DC and I, Carla understands and accepts that no matter how domesticated, dogs are pack animals. And every pack has a leader. Theoretically, that's us.

Carla has devised a game plan for reasserting our mastery over Hank and Lucy. To begin with, since we're supposed to be the dominant dogs we always eat first. Even if it's just munching a carrot before filling their bowls with molded and gravied animal byproducts, we are dominant so we come first.

We also have the right-of-way. If one of the dogs is sitting or lying in a spot we want to go, they must move, even if asleep. It sounds hard-hearted, but Carla says it's one of the ways to assert ourselves.

Give a dog an inch and they'll take the whole house.

Actually, submissive dogs are relieved that someone else has taken charge, Carla says. And a dominant dog won't keep trying to challenge its owners once they clearly assert their authority.

We always figured Lucy was our dominant dog, since she often took Hank's food from under his nose. But Carla says dominance can take many surprising forms.

All those times we carried Hank up and down the stairs, thinking he was afraid when in truth he's a Machiavelli just looking for a free ride.

We also are supposed to give our dogs frequent massages, an act which asserts our right to touch them anywhere and anytime we want. How mean can you get.

As tough-minded and punitive as all this sounds (to DC), Carla has convinced me that tough love works when it comes to dogs.

"Just like people," her written instructions say, "dogs want a strong leader that they can respect, protect and trust."

I've never fancied myself the alpha male and find it difficult to boss anyone around. But my random act of kindness for the week is to treat Hank and Lucy like dogs.

Love, The Leader of the Pack

~Sam Blackwell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.