With a full-time wife, son and job, I have little time anymore for discussions with my three younger brothers. But the relatively little time I do get to spend with them always includes interesting, humorous conversation.

This time it was John Gotti, margaritas and new identities.

This particular conversation took place while I was giving two of them a ride to a mutual friend of their's house.

Patrick and I had been discussing "Gotti," an HBO movie dramatizing the notorious life of John Gotti, the reputed former head of the Gambino crime family. I hadn't seen it, but Patrick was telling me how good it is.

Then we talked about Gotti's intriguing undoing. As some of you may know, Gotti was sold out by his underboss and right-hand man, Sammy "The Bull" Something Or The Other.

It happened after Sammy got arrested for mob activity, including the felonious crime of choosing "The Bull" as an alias. Threatened with prison, Sammy sang like a canary and testified against Gotti.

He also agreed to chose a new alias, something more traditional like Sammy "The Finger" or "Knuckles."

Anyway, thanks to Sammy, Gotti is at Marion serving a life without chance of parole sentence and Sammy is a member of the Witness Protection Program.

I told Patrick that Sammy was probably sipping margaritas on a beach in some unpronounceable South American country. Other than the two guys in suits and packing handguns who have dedicated their lives to "whacking the rat," he has no worries.

Until then, my other brother Billy had been in the back seat, paying little attention.

Now he commented, a bit wistfully, that he wished he could join the Witness Protection Program. He said he hadn't witnessed any Mafia crimes, but he vowed to keep his eyes open.

Billy made the remark like he was talking about winning the lottery. The funny thing was, knowing Billy, I knew exactly what he was talking about.

I think Billy likes the idea of being able to start all over again, somewhere far away. Sometimes, I think we all would like that.

Living far away with no obligations and all the free time to do anything I've ever wanted to do sounds great.

I wonder if they make you take your spouse with you? They do? Oh well, you can't have everything. (Just kidding, dear. Really. Still, I'd better hide the frying pans.)

I already have planned out who I would want to be if they could give me a new identity: I'd be Scott Handsome, male dancer.

Of course, I'd have to take six months, maybe a year, to work off this gut, build muscles, have facial reconstruction surgery and buy an abundant supply of socks that I wouldn't be wearing on my feet. If you know what I mean.

To me, that would be the ideal life, women screaming at you ,wanting you for your body. In my present condition, they'd have to want me in spite of it.

I think this would make a good business for some money-grubbing entrepreneur: Giving people who were tired of their old lives new ones.

That would be worth several hundred thousand dollars to some people. And if you can't afford it, don't worry. With the Democrats in power, I'm sure the government would even pay for it.

~Scott Moyers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.