MARK MY WORD: COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE AND GOT LOST

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue ... and got lost.

Actually, he was looking for Asia and cheap firecrackers, but settled for Club Med instead.

At that time, Europeans didn't know there were Native Americans around to exploit.

The discovery of Indians led to a whole rash of spaghetti westerns.

Columbus didn't discover the New World. But he was the first explorer to have his own radio talk show.

The Vikings had settled for a time on the coast of North America, around A.D. 1000.

But that first Contract with America didn't last despite the efforts of Newt Gingrich.

Christopher Columbus was the son of a wool weaver, which explains why he wanted to go to sea -- anything to get away from having to weave sweaters.

In the 1400s, there was no American Automobile Association. People had old maps that looked good on the wall, but couldn't get you across town.

Columbus mistakenly believed that most of the world consisted of Disney World and not water.

If he hadn't made a wrong turn, we wouldn't have all those Columbus Day parades to march in.

Thanks to Columbus, your bank is closed Monday. Had he landed in Asia, you wouldn't be saddled with that inconvenience.

He also brought along a few diseases, which generated business for the medical industry.

It is truly amazing that Columbus reached the new world when his ships weren't even equipped with shuffleboard to pass the time.

Even in those days, there were accountants. One accountant traveled with the expedition to make sure that they didn't buy too many trinkets.

When Columbus arrived with his flotilla of ships in the Caribbean islands, he was ready for a vacation.

Islanders greeted him like they would Donald Trump, but were disappointed when he didn't open a casino.

Columbus and other European explorers learned about chocolate, which led to the whole chocolate milk industry, for which my oldest daughter, Becca, is most grateful.

Columbus made four voyages to the New World but never saw the Statue of Liberty or even the Atlanta Braves.

Since the IRS wasn't around at the time, he died a wealthy man in Ohio.

Americans today know very little about all this because Disney hasn't made a movie about it yet. But there is always hope.

Most people don't appreciate Columbus even though a national holiday is named in his honor.

We remember Columbus mostly in rhyme, thanks to that blue ocean, which wasn't polluted back then.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.