LETTERS FROM HOME: UNDERSTANDING LITTLE BOYS AND HORSES

Dear Pat,

Missed your birthday. Did Alan take you out for a night at the video arcade? Enjoy it while you can. All the books say there is an age when the boy has to reject his mother for the world of manly things.

Don't worry. He'll be back. If he's 30 and still wearing camouflage gear to tune up his car on Saturday nights, a little concern might be appropriate.

The problem is, the world of manly things has shrunk so much over the past few decades. It's harder for Alan to find something you can't do with him. But he will.

The world's a yin-yang, polarized circus and all of us are working on our balancing act. Alan might be drawn to professional wrestling or God knows what clod-headed, high-testosterone activity as a way of separating who he is from who you are.

To him, you are big, very important and potentially overwhelming. Remember that when he's resisting you.

I was reading what a psychologist says about the kinds of costumes children choose for Halloween. Children who are feeling weak and small -- that's probably all children at some time -- can feel otherwise when they dress up as Spider Woman or Superman. On Halloween, they "become" someone who is idealized by others for being powerful.

Other children try to overcome fears by pretending to be a character that frightens them. A child who has nightmares about monsters might want to be one for Halloween, conquering the fear by identifying with it.

All very Zen.

If Alan wants to dress as Barney or some other popular character, he may be trying to win acceptance from his friends.

The psychologist says children gain empathy for others when they assume different roles. This diminishes the child's tendency toward egocentricity.

Did you know Halloween was so good for children?

DC isn't making her usual preparations for the ghouls and goblins, she says, because even they couldn't find our house. It's true, the barn next door is all that can be seen from the road. But kids have a sixth sense about candy.

I think she just isn't at home yet in Missouri after nearly 25 years in California. It's not a matter of one being better or worse, but she has traded the San Francisco Opera for the Little Ole Opry in Burfordville, and some of the finest restaurants in the world for our endless array of chain restaurants featuring mondo salad bars.

Fortunately, this week she went to an Alan Jackson concert, saw a Russian folk group perform and heard a concert by the university orchestra at a restored old church. Maybe she's discovering that Cape Girardeau just requires getting used to.

If anything is making DC feel at home it's the horses in the stable next door.

The horses have her gathering pears from a tree up the road, soaking some of the hardness out and cutting them into big pieces.

They have begun whinnying when she walks into the barn. It's the animal who brings sweet things, I suppose they're somehow saying. Or maybe just: Ooooeeee.

She hasn't been around horses much before and was afraid of them at first. Fear of getting chomped -- having 10 digits being important to a dentist --and not knowing where to pet.

But little by little she is starting to understand horses. Maybe she will be one for Halloween.

Love, Sam