LETTERS FROM HOME: ANTINUCLEAR FAMILY: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MOTHERS

May 5, 1994

Dear Ellen,

Happy Mother's Day greetings to you and Caitlin. Excuse me if I think of yours as the antinuclear family of the '90s: single parent sharing custody of adopted daughter. Now that so many people live far from their kin or are in some way estranged from them, maybe we've begun congregating in a different kind of family -- spiritual families.

I think of spiritual families as people who might band together to help troubled children or prevent the destruction of forests or of human cultures. People who "adopt" each other out of love for life. People who hear the same drummer, and know enough to get up and dance.

The question today is, What do mothers really want for Mother's Day? A card, sure, and better not forget it. Maybe flowers. A local jeweler's ad suggests a diamond necklace is a good way to show mom you appreciate all those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The "Mrs. Doubtfire" video is being touted as a natural Mother's Day gift. Wacky father cross-dresses his way back into the lives of his children and uptight ex-wife by learning to be more nurturing. Why not?

My feeling is, if we gave mothers what they really want things would straighten up around this old world just like that. No more wars. No more fistfights even. Forget starvation or cruelty. No pollution -- "pick up that mess" -- and no whining about any of it.

Of course, there'd be no motorcycle riding, no swimming in the deep end, no sex without a permit and no candy before dinner either.

One of the best things moms know how to do is make peace. (United Nations, take note.) They recognize the signs of escalation, and when the time has arrived to separate the combatants they do so. Every day, one child's desire to dominate another must be confronted, and the path to sweet cooperation pointed out.

The art of compromise is understood along with the necessity of establishing a Motherland much like Switzerland.

Those who believe that humans are doomed to always fight wars forget all the antagonistic children who grow up to become friends.

The negative side of this nurturing protectiveness is that moms can conjure up a world filled with fear. A world in which every phone call is a potential catastrophe. In which seeking to prevent their children from making mistakes can prevent them from experiencing the full "love and squalor" J.D. Salinger writes of.

The carnage of Bosnia has all occurred in the name of self-protection.

Wonderful it might be to go anywhere, do anything with complete confidence that only positive experiences will result. If everybody listened to the wisdom in their heart more, it might happen more. But not even all moms have the knack.

DC sees that side of life every day. One kid who came into the community clinic for dental work had a broken jaw. After some questioning his mother claimed it came from fighting with his older brother. DC called Child Protective Services. They're still investigating.

Some people try to escape into the woods, but even the so-called natural world isn't trouble-free. DC's brother was acting protectively when he killed a poisonous snake last week. So was the severed snake's head when it reflexively bit him shortly afterward. Final score: brother 1, snake 9, but within the family that snake will live forever.

Hope your Mother's Day is filled with bouquets, and more love than squalor.

Love, Sam

~Sam Blackwell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian. He is currently on a leave of absence and living in Garberville, Calif.