Balancing act, sidewalks may never be safe again

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The sidewalks may never be safe again now that some genius has reinvented the wheel.

Dean Kamen recently unveiled his battery powered, self-balancing, two-wheel "human transporter" which rolls quietly along at 5-17 mph.

At this rate, you could get to work by noon.

This invention has no engine, no throttle, no gearshift. It doesn't even have a steering wheel. The rider stands on a small platform and holds onto handlebars.

The idea is to provide people with an easy way to get around without having to depend on bulky cars or the pedal power of bicycles.

Government bureaucrats already have expressed interest in the device, figuring it could make their jobs easier or at least more fun.

The Postal Service wants to put letter carriers on the so-called Segway. Of course, it won't outrun Fido, but it might confuse the canine community for a while.

The National Park Service wants to put its rangers on such contraptions. This might prove entertaining to bears and other wildlife. But this device probably will do its best roaming amid human crowds.

Still, I doubt this high-tech scooter could cut through all the government red tape.

For a time, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration wanted to classify it as a "powered industrial truck," which would have given new meaning to sidewalk traffic.

A bureaucratic definition like that could have given rise to sidewalk truck stops and curb-cut weigh stations.

Fortunately, the safety gurus thought better of it and concluded that this was no device for a Teamster.

Final authority on sidewalk use, as we all know, rests with skateboarders. Actually, it rests with state and local governments. But Kamen is banking that no one will want to slap a parking ticket on his invention.

This invention could be bigger than the pogo stick although I can't imagine it would be a big hit in Small Town, USA, where sidewalks are non-existent and Main Street is little more than a five-minute walk.

Of course, if Kamen's smart, he'll try to sell kids on his product and let them do the marketing to mom and dad.

And if these devices land on the Disney Channel, every kid will want one.

Becca and Bailey would love to ride around on the Segway. Armed with such mobility they'd promptly move from room to room without so much as stepping foot on the carpet. At the controls, they'd be perpetual wrecking balls, but at least they'd move slow enough for you to see the damage.

Still, at $3,000 for consumer models, it's not cheap. For now, only the $8,000 industrial-strength models are available. The earliest consumer model could be a year away.

But at the very least, Kamen is striking fear in the hearts of fitness experts everywhere.

Cardiovascular workouts could become a thing of the past. Learning to ride a bike would become a cultural footnote.

We wouldn't have to balance anything. The machine would do it for us.

Hiking and biking trails could become clogged with these transporters, everyone rolling along like so much airport luggage.

Of course, most of us probably won't want to roll through life on a Segway when it's raining. Besides, there's good reason to haul your kids around in a van rather than let them run around on the open road or sidewalk.

Kamen's creation manages to keep its balance thanks to gyroscopes and tilt sensors. The five gyros operate by committee, clearly a plus for the college crowd. The gyros vote among themselves to eliminate errant readings, Faculty Senate resolutions and gum on the sidewalk.

Riding on one of these transporters is supposed to be like skiing without the snow. I'm not interested in skiing or the snow.

I like driving around in a gasoline-powered car with enough space to carry my entire family including teddy bears, Barbie dolls and most of the electronic gadgets known to man.

I don't want to sweat on my way to work on a muggy summer day. I want to travel in my air-conditioned car.

Still, the Segway beats cutting the grass.

And Kamen says it's safer than walking.

But I have my doubts. I don't like relying on a committee to get me anywhere, much less a committee of gyros.

The batteries also have to be recharged on a regular basis. If it's anything like the battery-powered flashlights in our home, I'd be going nowhere fast.

Kamen's counting on going somewhere, just not with my money.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.