Cell phone turns dad into a talking fool

There's nothing like a cell phone to make you a talking fool.

Millions of Americans have been doing it for years. But until recently I'd pretty much avoided cellular phones in favor of traditional land lines.

We've had a cell phone for several years, but Joni generally kept it with her. Besides, it was a dinosaur when we got it and managed to produce more static than intelligible words.

I convinced myself that I didn't need a car phone. I could survive without constant chat.

There's other ways to communicate.

Mankind survived for centuries on smoke signals. But once society created no-burn permits and brought in fire inspectors, it made more sense to use the phone.

Still, I held onto the view that you could drive a car without attaching a phone to your ear.

But that belief has faded since Joni gave me a cell phone for my birthday.

Now, we can communicate with each other, play games and even store lengthy phone lists on these high-tech devices.

Of course, Joni got a new phone too so she could communicate with me at all hours of the day and night.

I was so excited the first night I had the phone that I called her on her cell phone from the back bedroom while she was several yards away in the living room.

My phone comes equipped with everything a modern man would want except perhaps a bug zapper.

The days of simple telephone rings are over. Today's cell phones come equipped with a whole symphony of sound effects that make you thrilled to get calls.

I've got mine playing Mozart. I like it so much, I'm reluctant to answer the phone and put an end to the mini-concert.

Alexander Graham Bell would be amazed at society's dependence on the telephone and so would his phone pal, Thomas Watson.

It used to be that we couldn't conceive of driving a car without a radio. Before long, we couldn't do without air conditioning and a tape player. Now, we can't imagine driving anywhere without our CD player and our cell phone.

Pretty soon, we'll all want TVs, dashboard PCs and hot tubs in our vehicles too.

Before long, we'll all need chauffeurs because we'll be too busy to drive.

But at least we can communicate at length about everything from potholes to pizzas and do it while we're in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store.

Like Old West gunslingers, we strap on our phones before we step outside. We're ready for what life dishes out provided that it comes with a phone number.

We can't imagine going anywhere without a phone. We've come a long way since 1877 when the first outdoor telephone wire stretched only three miles.

The first automatic dialing system was patented in 1891 by a Kansas City undertaker who believed that crooked telephone operators were sending his business elsewhere.

No one could bury this invention.

Of course, I'm still not ready for round-the-clock communication.

I know where the off switch is on my cell phone, and I use it.

Sometimes, I long for smoke signals. But I don't want to get burned. I don't want to be glued to the phone. I like modern communication provided I'm not getting too many busy signals.

It takes a parent to truly appreciate the value of push-button technology and the ability to call the other spouse during ketchup spills and other little crises.

We no longer have to scream for attention above the din of the TV. We can just beep each other from the comfort of our easy chairs, at least until the batteries run down.

Mark Bliss is a columnist for the Southeast Missourian.