Family finds the grass is greener everywhere else

Our front yard is increasingly rough terrain.

One of these days it will take a four-wheel drive to get across it.

In a neighborhood of lush green lawns, our yard is the poor stepchild.

No self-respecting goat would ever be caught grazing in our yard.

Bailey, our Nature Child, doesn't seem to mind. But that's because she prefers collecting rocks and sticks, of which there are plenty in our yard. She has, however, pulled up grass from time to time as if it were a collector's item.

Thanks to a collapsed sewer line a few years ago which necessitated digging up the front yard to correct, we have more craters in our lawn than you can find on the moon.

The grass that is there is fighting a losing battle.

It doesn't help that I don't baby the yard. While others slave away on their lawns pulling up every dandelion and launching all-out attacks on those nasty weeds, Joni and I avoid the battle.

We prefer to watch Mother Nature take its course. The problem is that she hasn't been very friendly to our yard in recent years.

These days, there's more dirt than grass in our front yard. We welcome weeds just as long as they're green. They help cover the bare spots.

A businessman I know once suggested that I take a lawn-maintenance course after I confessed my yard isn't up to snuff. I like being a homeowner. It's the lawn thing that I have trouble with.

There are some yards in Cape Girardeau that look like small golf courses they're so well kept.

Ours doesn't look anything like a golf course. It's more like an off-road course.

It needs a makeover.

There's a television show called "Trading Places" in which pairs of neighbors assisted by a crazed decorator get two days and $1,000 to redo a room in each other's houses.

Our yard may need something like that. For $1,000, I could at least spray paint the whole yard a nice forest green.

Carpeting the whole thing with indoor-outdoor green carpeting is an option too.

The back yard already is home to a trampoline and a swing set. If I asphalted the whole back yard, it would be a perfect playground.

Of course, "Trading Places" has its down side too.

A Portland, Ore., woman got a makeover for her paneled family room with mounted deer heads. She wanted a renovated room for her kids to play.

What she got was an Art Deco theater, complete with metal sconces, brown curtains, sleek metallic chairs, seating platforms and aisle lights.

But when it comes to a yard makeover, there's no need for metallic chairs and aisle lights. They wouldn't cover up all the dirt.

I confess I don't have a green thumb or even a teal one. Indoor plants shrivel and die in my care.

Outdoor plants do much better, but only if it rains. Well, I'll occasionally water plants and shrubs but only in the middle of a serious drought.

Weeds love our yard and so should environmentalists. If it's rugged nature you want, visit our yard. We're not one to pamper it.

To my way of thinking, our front yard should qualify as a federally protected natural area. There are no artificial preservatives in our lawn. It hasn't seen fertilizer in years.

Although I'm allergic to every grass and tree in North America, I figure that one day soon I'll have to tackle the yard before it turns into a dust bowl.

Maybe that's why I like fall so much. When fall comes and all those leaves fall to the ground, our yard looks just like everyone else's until I get out the leaf blower.

I like all those dead leaves in their fall hues. They give a little color to our yard.

It's the living ones I have trouble with.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.