I'm sick of being a doormat, and I encourage the consumers of this nation to begin taking a stand against service employee attitude problems.

I can say this because I, too, am a member of the service industry. Not long ago, a gentleman called to inform me he was suing my @#$%#@ (his word, not mine) over an article I wrote and wanted to speak to my boss. I had to put a smile in my voice as I transferred him in to "tell" on me.

Just this morning, another lady called to tell me an article I wrote indicated women who apply for orders of protection against abusive husbands are deranged.

Yep, she figured me out. I'm secretly employed by the Abusive Husbands Local 142. Still, I had to be friendly and explain that abuse is bad, ex parte orders are good, in my opinion.

Anyway, after a week of back-breaking labor keeping the public on the cutting edge of current events, I'm ready to collect my check and spend it on frivolous things like food and medical care.

Unfortunately, I aged enough to make and spend my own money just in time for the service industry to go kaput. People who aren't working on a tip basis, and some who are, would just as soon spit on you as ring up your purchases.

That's a generalization, sure. Before you friendly folks who work behind cash registers threaten to sue my @%$#*, let me say there are also nice people in stores and restaurants.

For example, the girl working the drive-thru at Perryville McDonald's on Tuesday was incredible. She was actually more friendly than the people in the McDonald's commercials.

She promptly handed me my change and food and said, "Thank you very much and have a terrific Fourth!"

Now that's what I call service. Let's contrast Miss Perryville McDonald's with another fast-food employee, shall we?

The Other Half and I were picking up burgers one night when I noticed a help-wanted sign on the restaurant's counter. It hawked flexible hours, good pay and wonderful working conditions. The final line said, "If you want to know how nice it is to work here, just ask your server!"

I asked my server. "So, how do you like working here?"

Without skipping a beat, he answered, "It bites."

I'm not sure what that means, but it can't be good.

But my absolute worst experience involved a major discount department store. My grandparents gave me a $50 gift certificate to spend there, so The Other Half and I picked up several things we needed and, like lambs to the slaughter, walked to the cash register.

The total was $30.08. I handed Mrs. Personality the $50 certificate, and she promptly had a heart attack. Mind you, there were at least 10 people behind us in line.

"YOU'VE GOT TO SPEND AT LEAST 90 PERCENT OF THIS," she screamed. "WE SELL MERCHANDISE, NOT CASH!"

I said that it didn't say anything about 90 percent on the face of the certificate. She said the people who bought it were told at the service desk. I said most people don't buy gift certificates for themselves.

Making an even larger scene, she got her supervisor, who finally gave us our $19.92. The cashier said, "Next time you get one of these, be sure to spend 90 percent."

What I should have said: "I wouldn't accept a gift certificate from your lousy store if I were naked and starving!"

What I said: "Okay. Thanks."

But that was the last time. The Other Half, who is a fellow weenie, and I made a pact that we won't take that sort of treatment anymore. If we're spending OUR money in a business, we will be treated with dignity and respect.

Or we'll just...we'll just...

Forget it.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.