STRANGER THAN FICTION: TELEVISION SHOW OFFERS CHANCE TO LOOK BACK ON YOUTH

As we age, we're much more prone to size people up, classify them and go on with our own lives.

The lure of "Road Rules" and "The Real World" is inexplicably strong.

For those of you who don't watch Music Television, "Road Rules" is a show that puts six diverse people into a recreational vehicle and sends them cross-country. Any country. Along the way, they fight bulls, race personal watercraft, build sand castles and whine a lot.

On "The Real World," six or so strangers share a great house -- or "phat crib," as the young people call it -- in a big city like Los Angeles or Honolulu. The housemates go about their lives while a television camera records the whole thing.

The catch -- nobody is older than 25.

If I'm flipping through the channels and run across one of these shows, I'm compelled to stop. You can imagine how much I got accomplished on Sunday during the "Road Rules" marathon followed by "The Real World." Nada!

It's because, sitting on the edge of 30, I'm fascinated at how much people can change during their 20s. And it makes me realize that, when I'm pushing 40, I'll probably look back and think what a crazy goofball I was in 1999.

Here are some "Road Rules" scenarios, how the cast handled them and how I would have handled them.

1. Abe, a raging jerk, meets a blonde doofus at a resort town in South America and takes her back to the recreational vehicle for an if-it's-rockin'-don't-come-knockin' session. Everyone else is staying in a fine hotel. When Abe returns to the hotel room to explain his conquest, Gladys tells him he's wrong to use the blonde that way. Abe calls Gladys a "psychotic b----." Gladys plays a one-sided game of "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em" on Abe's face.

What I would have done: When Abe returned from the conquest and started bragging, I would have said, "Isn't that something! Could you please pass the merlot and hors d'oeuvres? I'll be in the hot tub."

2. Gladys, who is dating Gino back in the states, can do nothing but talk about the way Gino mistreats her. He's actually got a full-time girlfriend -- Gladys is on the side. Gladys calls Gino on several occasions and is told to stop calling. The females on the trip spend much of their time huddled up on a fold-out bed, crying and talking about what a jerk Gino is but how Gladys can't help but love him.

What I would have done: "Girls, this is ridiculous. We're on an all-expense paid trip to South America. Here are the only three words you need to know: 'Oh, cabana boy!'"

3. The group is on a mission to climb to the top of a big hill without being captured. It's kind of a war games thing. Abe, the jerk, goes off on his own and immediately is captured. Holly, Josh and another girl -- I can't remember her name -- stand around thinking about how they can reach out to Abe so that he won't be compelled to go off on his own so much.

What I would have done: Hoped that "friendly fire" left Abe without his left testicle, wasted no time talking about him and reached the top of the hill.

Yes, I know I'm being a crusty old bat. I remember those days when everyone else's life interested me. I used to drive by people's homes to see who was visiting whom. I used to sit around with my girlfriends and dispense advice like the Dalai Lama, only way less spiritual.

I used to endlessly analyze people and ways to "help" them.

But that was before I established the Freak-Free Zone. Anyone can do it.

Say a new employee at work walks up to you, invades your personal space and shouts, very loudly, "I hear you're going to Mardi Gras! I want to go to Mardi Gras, too!"

Obviously, the girl is a freak. You don't know her from Adam, and she's inviting herself along on your trip. Don't analyze her. Don't invite her along to fix her problems. Immediately classify her and kick her out of the zone with a, "We're all full up. See ya!"

Say you get to know a guy, find him attractive and invite him out for drinks. He stands you up without calling. Later, he calls and apologizes, saying he got held up at work. Uh, they don't have phones at his office? You say, "Oh well! Hey, bud, I've got to go." Don't try to analyze why he acts that way. Don't try to help him. Kick him out of the zone.

Try instituting your own zone. It can work for you, too!

And that way, if you ever get an all-expense paid trip in a van full of freaks, you can still enjoy yourself.