My only exposure to arts and crafts is when I stay with my mother-in-law. While I'm the kind of person who will extend the life of old curtains by using duct tape to shore up the hems, she's the kind of person who will take down old curtains, use them to make Christmas presents for the whole family -- plus a Scarlett O'Hara-style dress -- and then sew gorgeous new ones using nothing but wrapping paper, burlap potato bags and old socks.

But that kind of talent doesn't just happen. One must watch a lot of home design shows on cable.

The television at my in-law's house is pretty much on the Discovery Channel all day, where smiling host after smiling host explains things like how to make antique-looking tables by beating new pine tables with chains. (I also think this could have something to do with repressed sexuality, but that's another column.)

When The Other Half and I vacation, we tend to visit my in-laws' house. It's like staying in a free bed and breakfast where you really know the owner well. So well that your husband reverts to childhood and starts whining over the fact that the owner made giblet gravy instead of plain brown gravy for the turkey, and your husband just hates giblet gravy because it has eggs and "all that gross stuff" in it.

And, as I mentioned, at this particular b-and-b you must watch the television program the owners want to watch. That's pretty much the Discovery Channel's craft programs all day and then whatever western movie is showing after the male owner returns from work.

I'm kind of getting into it.

But there's one arts-and-crafts host that really gets on my nerves. If you like her, I'm sorry, but I think she just has to go. It's Susan Powell on "Home Matters."

Apparently, Sue's job is to do various crafts with the help of the experts. Today, she beat a table with a chain. (Uh-huh. We've got you figured out, Sue.) Here's the problem: The camera operator tends to zoom in when Sue is doing the work, not the expert.

That'd be fine, except that Sue isn't always doing the work in the best fashion. For example, she was trying to make "fly specks" on her table using a toothbrush and a popsicle stick. Instead, she dripped big globs of stain everywhere.

And the other big problem: She's constantly making references to her days as Miss America.

Take Tuesday, for example. She was learning how to preserve a wedding dress. The expert told her to take off all the metal she could, including metal-backed rhinestones, to keep them from rusting.

"That'd be hard to do with my Miss America dress," Sue said.

She went on to explain that it had many, many sequins and now rests in a museum, where it is being well cared for.

She once sang a song on the show and mentioned that singing was the talent component in her Miss America routine. And then there was the collectible show, where she announced that her Miss America lunchbox was probably valuable but complained that her picture wasn't on it.

I looked up a little info about Sue. She was Miss Oklahoma in 1981 when she took the crown. By comparison, I was in sixth grade that spring. I'm 28 now. In other words, GET OVER YOURSELF, SUE! Why don't you just change your name to a symbol and be done with it?

Some people may say I'm just jealous because I've never competed in a beauty pageant. Maybe they're right. But I'm also interested in preserving jobs for people who really need them.

Sue obviously is able to sing, walk in high heels and openly discuss how she'd like to save the world. There are other people who can stain tables and preserve wedding dresses.

I say THEY get the television slots.

But at least I'm learning a little something this trip. I can use plastic-type paint to make "stained" glass. I can use a glue gun to attach seashells to picture frames. And I can build shelves to fit around a window.

Who knows. I might turn in my roll of duct tape and apply for a job at the Discovery Channel.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.