STRANGER THAN FICTION: IT'S A LENS, SWEETHEART, NOT A WAND

When will technology create the "Slim Cam?"

There's nothing that builds excitement like waiting for vacation photos. You just know those 4-by-6-inch pieces of paper are going to take you back to a better time -- a time when you weren't dragging your uninspired tail to work every morning.

It took me a little while to get my vacation photos developed. Finally, after selling a couple pints of blood, I had enough money to pick them up from my favorite discount department store.

If I had it to do over, the photos would have remained at the store until the end of time.

There were shots of the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, the Ed Sullivan Theater, etc., and I look larger in circumference than each landmark.

What is it about photos? Why do they have to be so harsh? Even when people look in mirrors, they're generally able to fool themselves about their bodies. A little turning, a little clenching of the bootie, a little sucking in of the belly and you look marvelous!

Not in photos, at least not for me.

Let's start with my face. I've got three expressions for photos: (1) trying to look seductive and actually looking stupid, (2) trying to look serious and looking stupid and (3) a Mona Lisa-type smirk that everyone knows is fake.

I was the kid who ruined the family picture. There was a traveling photo company that set up shop in a motel in Sikeston one year. Families waited in one room, draped over beds and nightstands, and then had their photos taken in a connecting room. The deal was one free 8-by-10 print, with the idea being that folks would buy more.

My parents wanted nothing but the best for THEIR kids.

About two weeks later the photographer came back with the proofs. He spread them out on a table in front of everybody.

"Smirk, smirk, eyes closed, smirk, eyes closed, scrunched up neck, smirk," he said.

The jerk was talking about my expression in each one. I think Mom and Dad picked "scrunched up neck" and just told visitors I had surgery the week after the photo was taken.

Some of my recent vacation photos also featured the "scrunched up neck" pose, but today people call it a "double chin." See my column photo as a reference. Apparently, I'm unable to smile without pulling my head in.

There's a false idea that the double chin may be eliminated by tilting one's head upward a bit. That may work if the chin is just over normal size. But when a full 30 percent of one's body weight is in the chin, the whole looking upward thing just doesn't work. Trust me.

The photos taught me another cruel lesson: The magazine article that said a wide belt was a big girl's best accessory was horribly wrong. A wide belt isn't only difficult to find in this skinny-belt era, but it hides nothing. It merely makes people ~say, "Hey! There's a big girl trying to hide her fat with a wide belt!"

Yes, the vacation photos were a little tough to swallow, but that's OK. I've been losing weight at the breakneck speed of half-a-pound per week, and these photos will be a real inspiration.

Another recent inspiration is a computerized scale at the fitness center. All along, I'd been using the old-fashioned scale in the corner, the one like doctors have. This scale is a nightmare for dieters, because it allows the entire gym to see you inching the small weight toward the right. "Try moving the big weight on the bottom," the gym patrons want to yell.

The computerized scale is different. It welcomes you, then chastises you for staying away so long. It tells you to stand still, and then it announces whether you've gained or lost weight.

I'm sure my mother programmed it.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.