STRANGER THAN FICTION: YEEHAH! I'M A NEWLY CONVERTED COUNTRY FAN

Bryan White's boyish good looks won me over to the music's whiny side.

When Laura walked over to my desk and invited me to a concert at the SEMO District Fair, I cringed. It was absolutely free, she said, and she couldn't find a "real date" soon enough.

For one thing, I hate being the last option. For another thing, country music brings back bad memories. It reminds me of a lousy, minimum-wage job in Wayne County, Mo., working for KPWB. The station's slogan was something like "Ten Watts of Pure FM Power."

I'd come in at about 5:30 a.m. every day and start hitting the coffee and doughnuts. Mmmmm, caffeine and sugar, the breakfast of morning radio personalities.

Slowly but surely, an appreciation for country music started to grow on me. My co-worker and I two-stepped around the office to Dolly Parton's "Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That." I'll never forget it:

Why'd you come in there lookin' like that,

with your cowboy boots and your painted-on jeans,

all dressed up like a cowgirl's dreams . . .

Yep, it really captured the sentiment of 1989's American woman. Add the words "truck" and "cheatin'" to that song and it would have been perfect.

Poverty forced me to look for other work, and the country spell began to wear off. I started associating country music with eating Ramen noodles -- 10 cents a pack! -- for days on end and seeing how long an eighth of a tank of gas would last me.

And slowly but surely, my attention turned to songs with happier themes, like sippin' on gin and juice, hanging with the "homeys" and being "down with the hood."

Then Laura came along with this invitation to see Bryan White.

To make a long story short, Friday night was one of the best nights this year. Bryan was the ideal all-American boy with a great voice. He also possessed the nicest backside I've seen this year.

Caught up in the moment, I thought about throwing some sort of undergarment on the stage. Fortunately, I realized a pair of white Just My Size briefs probably weren't going to get me where I wanted to go. And if they did, what about that uncomfortable confrontation with The Other Half at 3 a.m.?

ME: Sweetie, I've been in the arms of a country-western singer for the past three hours.

MR. HALF: Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Seriously, country music really speaks more about an average American's life than anything else. It's also much easier to understand, which leads me to my next topic.

Have you ever thought you knew what a song was saying but really didn't? For example, in the popular song "Angeline Is Coming Home" by the Badlees, I thought the chorus went "grease landing in dignity." It actually went "re-splen-dent in dignity."

Some other examples from folks I asked:

Jeremy Hughes, disc jockey for Mix 104.7: "Everyone wants to hear `Macarena' but nobody knows how to ask for it. I've had some callers request `Macaroni' or `Margaritaville.'"

Scott M.: "In the Manfred Mann song `Blinded By The Light,' I thought the chorus said `wrapped up like a douche.' The word is `deuce.'

"I also thought the Eddie Murphy song `My Girl Wants to Party All the Time' said `Michael wants to body all the time.' Being 13, I thought that meant something dirty."

Laura J.: "I always thought in `Love Shack' by the B-52s the girl yelled out, `In route, rushin'.' Ends up it's `your tin roof's rusted.'"

Renda E.: "In the '70s, I had a friend who thought Redbone's `Come and Get Your Love' said `Perpendicular Love.' Don't ask me where she got that."

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.