STRANGER THAN FICTION: CLUELESS DEFINITION ISN'T ONLY FOR L.A. TEENS

In four years of writing columns, I've been called a man-hater exactly 285 times.

Let's set the record straight. I love men. Some of my best friends are men, really! In fact, I have relatives who are men, including my own father.

Men see the world in black and white. They're fact-finders and decision-makers. They aren't caught up in the dog-eat-dog world of makeup, hairspray and designer jeans, except for one man I knew with the stage name Ophelia Butz, but that's another column, and yes, it's true.

But, lord love 'em, they get into a relationship with a woman and something goes horribly awry. They don't have that part of the brain that makes women such good friends with each other.

Consider this dress-shopping example. Sally and Jane go to the mall to find Sally a party dress. Sally picks up a hideous dress, turns to Jane and asks for an opinion.

Jane says the dress is nice, but what about this one over here in a color that sets off Sally's eyes.

Everyone goes away happy.

Now consider the same example with Sally's boyfriend John. Sally shows John the hideous dress, and John says, "It's fine," as all men are programmed to say from birth.

But the "it's fine" thing isn't the worst that could happen. If John was REALLY clueless, he might say, "Wear anything you want -- it'll probably be dark in there."

I spent the last week collecting clueless men stories from my friends. My favorite were three separate stories about women on the way to the hospital to deliver babies.

The first woman's husband stopped at the dry cleaners so he could change into his favorite shirt. The second one's husband demanded that she "do something" with her hair before going into the hospital. And the third stopped at Taco Bell for a couple burritos.

Here are the rest. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

KIMBERLY: I was in Frederick's of Hollywood buying lingerie for a friend's wedding shower and picked up a teddy. My boyfriend kind of winked and said, "Why don't you get one of those for yourself?" I told him nothing of mine would fit in there but my big toe, so he asked where "big women get their panties."

SHELLY: I'm on this constant diet, so I asked my husband to help watch what I ate. I told him I was fat and ugly and sick of looking that way. He said he loved me anyway.

JODY: Bob and I were dirt poor and expecting our first child. I was huge and cried all the time about not having any money. To cheer me up, Bob sneaked out with our last $15, went down to a nice store and bought me a belt. A belt! For a pregnant woman! To this day he doesn't understand why I smacked him with it.

BETH: My family tries to go to church every Sunday, so my husband gets up right away, takes a shower, then stands in the doorway and asks, "Are we ready?" I look around, see our three small children wearing no shoes or coats, and say, "Do we look ready?" I just know he's not that blind.

ANNE: It was my birthday, so I rushed home from my job at the cap factory waiting to be surprised. My unemployed husband wasn't home -- surprise! -- so I started mowing the yard, something he was supposed to do. Finally he comes riding up in a truck with his friend, jumps out, hands me a rose and says, "I gotta go with Billy." He gets back in the truck and drives away.

We're divorced.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.