Shuck: Feeling lonely when you’re not alone!

What brings on those dreaded feelings of loneliness and sadness when we’re, often, in a room full of people? Our life can be so busy, and, filled with others and activities, that we pray for things to slow down, if just for a little while. We crave alone-time.

My friend, Alice felt that she needed to keep occupied to stave off loneliness, but she liked her private time too. She shared an experience with me that happened one evening before her bedtime. Alice was caught in a web of feelings that she couldn’t understand. She was alone in the house, where she usually relaxed in solitude. Alice tried to fight an oncoming mood of sadness, one that was an infrequent occurrence. She reached inside herself to find an answer to why she was feeling lonely, and down in the dumps. She especially wondered, “Why now, “as she continued to search inside to find the answer. Alice pondered what conditions had caused her melancholic frame of mind. What was the difference between those other evenings when she was by herself — or whenever she was interacting with others? She remembered that she had even felt this way, sometimes, when she was in the company of others, and Alice had heard others voice the same discontent, as well.

Alice had just enjoyed a full and satisfying week. My friend had gone out for lunch with friends, received compliments and had definitely felt loved, as was confirmed by both, friends and relatives. Why was she not in a contented mood, she wondered? Alice wanted to know the cause, so that whenever those feelings of aloneness came again, she would know what to do. She would be aware of what triggered it. Above all, she certainly could not feel sorry for herself because she had no reason to blame anyone or anything. She must find out the cause before she could press forward and maintain her, usual positive perspective. She couldn’t allow this sort of mood to attach itself to her usual perception that life was positive and satisfying. Alice couldn’t allow her feelings to run wild, like a dog off his leash.

Then, Alice continued with sharing another episode that happened at a later time. It caused her to dig deeper into the subject of how someone could feel isolated in a crowd, as well as when they were alone. She explained that she was attending her graduation and, as was expected, she received her diploma, words of congratulations, a party and other celebratory honors. After all the hoopla and praises were over, Alice went to her room at home and dissolved into tears. Her parents wondered, why. Things could not have turned out better for Alice. Nevertheless, she felt lonely, without knowing why. Alice had been surrounded by people, events and visiting for days. Why would she be lonely? She fit none of the criteria.

Alice attempted to reach out to others, in an effort to find out the cause of her sudden downtrodden attitude. She wanted to run away and hide from the world. Alice took advice and attempted to keep busy by joining activities that she enjoyed and, by treating herself, by doing the things that she loved. My friend discovered through research and interest that being lonely originates within ourselves. Just as we work at ways in which to be happy, the same holds true for feeling of wholeness and usefulness. Rather than wallowing in a sea of self-made rejection, we must find ways to combat those feelings of emptiness as we work to create our own pathways to happiness and acceptance. We can’t blame others for their inability to fill the void in our life. Instead, we, ourselves, have to use positive self-talk and originate other means of coping with the loneliness. Even though the image of lack and inferiority may have always been our perception of ourselves, it’s never too late to begin again, or recapture the state of enthusiasm and joy that we once owned. God is our most dependable assurance for fighting loneliness.

Psalms 73:23-26 says, “Yet I am always with you; you take my right hand.”

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction. She is the author of the book, “Wisdom for the Journey.”