Shuck: Our effect on others

Have we thought about the impact that we have on others? Does it matter how we treat them, and do we visibly show what we think about their actions and efforts.

My friend, Jackie, had just left the presence of her mother, Rachael. She had come over to visit Rachael with the wonderful news that she had finally landed a good job, and she was sticking with it. Jackie could scarcely contain her enthusiasm and excitement at the positive reaction that she knew would come from Rachael, this time. She waited, expectantly, to see her mom’s happy response. For once, Jackie had good news of which she thought her mom would approve. However, Rachael was not usually prone to present a pleasant demeanor and today was no different. Jackie had never met her mom’s requirements of a daughter and, consequently, Rachael constantly criticized her. Jackie could never seem to get things in her life together, but she did try. Rather than praising her efforts, however, Rachael neglected to ever find anything that Jackie did, to be worthy of congratulations. Needless to say, Jackie grew up with no confidence even though she was smart, in her own way. When Rachael was experiencing a grouchy mood, she could be very negative. She actually loved her daughter, but she wasn’t mother material. It seemed Rachael thought more about the effects that Jackie’s failures had on her, than to realize the feelings of the girl. After the visit, Jackie’s happiness and sense of pride turned to ashes. She ended the meeting with her mom and slunk away.

As I felt my feelings sink, after thinking about what Jackie had always had to endure, I felt empathy for her. The presence of Jackie’s mother, had left a negative impact on Jackie but, in spite of the realization of Jackie’s sad ending, I knew that I could not allow my mood to stay down for long. Instead, I shifted my thoughts to recognizing and thinking of the many that have reaped positive influences from those of whom they were, and are, around. Lindy, a schoolmate was raised as an only child. Her parents were avidly concerned that she would not have the companionship that children with other siblings would enjoy. They threw their energy into making sure she thrived. Lindy wished she was fortunate enough to have brothers and sisters but, nevertheless, her parents steered her toward avenues that would, hopefully, be confidence-building. Regardless of how small an achievement seemed, her mom and dad praised her. She grew up feeling valued, smart, competent and loved. Although her successes, no matter how small, might have been possible regardless of her environment, evidence showed the results of her life and her positive upbringing.

Although the stories that I just related are about children and parents, the same can hold true for others with whom we come in contact. We have an influence on the spirits and confidence of all we meet. Are they coming away from the encounter with us in a happy frame of mind, or will they come away feeling upset, unsuccessful and rejected? We are often hurt when someone ignores us or doesn’t speak. The problem isn’t so much that we are people pleasers, but that our personhood is devalued. Although it is imperative that we love ourselves first, a harsh or uncomplimentary word can destroy our self-esteem. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Perhaps someone is constantly late for lunch dates, doesn’t return text messages unless they want something or talks about himself/herself too much. All those things are rude and are a sign of disrespect.

It is crucial that we stop and ponder how people feel when they leave our company. Hopefully, we have shown kindness, encouragement, love and helpful assistance to them so that the comfort and peace of our scent lingers, on their shoulders.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta gave this piece of advice from which we can learn. “Be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier.”

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction. She is the author of the book, “Wisdom for the Journey.”